Our saintly new prime minster has promised to end slavery and trafficking not only in Britain but she has set up a fund – personally to be paid for by the taxpayer – to combat this evil in “the developing nations.” But this will be only the start of her plan to abolish everywhere all those things which are “not nice.” She will show her determination and strength of character by ensuring that no one is poor anymore anywhere and diseases of every kind will be done away with, for she has asked Frank Field to introduce a parliamentary bill which will make it an offence for anyone to be poorly.
“Under my premiership, “she declared, “all aspects of national life will be greatly improved. The England team will bring home the World Cup, and I have already informed Mr Allardyce that I myself shall play in goal for, as everyone knows, I am a safe pair of hands.”
Turning to the terrorist threat, Mrs May said, “I will end all this silliness mistakenly referred to as ‘Islamist terrorism’ by introducing a greater measure of sharia which is already very beneficial for Britain. This policy will bring with it the added bonus of making life so much better for Muslim women. And I will defeat the peripheral unpleasantness of so-called ‘terrorist slaughter’ by greatly increasing the penalties for the disgusting crime of Islamophobia. During my time of conspicuous achievement at the home office, there circulated some rather nasty rumours concerning the wholesale rape and sexual abuse of underage girls by Muslim men in a score of British towns and cities. Needless to say, I did everything in my power to quash these, frankly racist, rumours; and, now that I am your prime minister, I shall preserve the status quo. Again, let me be absolutely clear, Islamophobia must have no part in our British way of life. ”
As for Britain’s economy, she said, “My plans for workers’ appointments to company boards and my other ambitions for tighter regulation of the City and a more socialistic approach to industrial relations will lead, give it time, to the greatly superior prosperity and the better industrial relations which are presently enjoyed in France. I will not tolerate sexism in any of its forms in the workplace and the boardrooms, and so I shall make sure that more and more women are appointed to the top jobs.”
She spoke with great authority on the domestic front: “I was the longest-serving and most successful home secretary since 1945. Unfortunately, though tasked to bring down immigration to ‘the tens of thousands,’ immigration doubled in my time – because I was powerless to act owing to the EU’s Schengen Agreement on the free movement of population. You will remember that, in the light of this fact, I demonstrated my capacity for joined-up thinking by urging people to vote Remain.
“And, while we’re talking about the EU, let me repeat that Brexit means Brexit. To ensure this, I shall myself, as ‘a bloody difficult woman,’ go to Brussels where I shall wave my arms about and shriek at Jean-Claude Juncker, kick the issue into the long grass for a couple of years and then cobble together a compromise deal.
“People ask me, ‘But Theresa darling, what are you going to do about the 1400-years-long war between Shia and Sunni which continues to see the slaughter of millions on three continents?’ Let me say just this: as a vicar’s daughter, I well-understand the occasional tensions that can arise in religious communities – people often raised their voices at the PCC in our parish. I will bring together the Ayatollahs and the leaders of ISIS, Saudi Arabia and Iran and make them end this childish rivalry.”
All these things she promised to achieve very early in her prime ministerial career. When asked about the longer term and the tougher questions, she never flinched: “Oh I suppose you mean the abolishment of Original Sin and humankind’s return to the paradise garden of pre-lapsarian days. Be assured I shall beat down Satan under my feet. Have I not already made a start by getting rid of George Osborne and Michael Gove?”
And with that, she skipped off to the shoe shop.