Certain amendments to the liturgy and hymnody of the Church of England for the duration of the present emergency…

Our Spiritual Advisers

At Morning and Evening Prayer

Dearly beloved, we are not gathered together…

Stay away from me all ye that have a dry cough and a temperature

Where two or three are gathered together in my name, that’s far too many

He hath filled the hungry with good things: but he hath run out of tins of tomatoes

O God make clean our hands all the day long: and at least twice in the night season

We brought nothing into this supermarket: and it is certain we can carry nothing out

Then drew nigh unto him all the publicans and sinners: and behold, straightway they were arrested

In the midst of life, we are in death (At the discretion of the Minister these words may be omitted)

Blessed is he that walketh in the ways of the Lord: but not for more than an hour each day

Thou shalt not commit adultery: For verily, thou shalt keep two metres apart

Thou shalt not steal thy neighbour’s loo rolls

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s eggs: for thou can’st not get these for love nor money

The following hymns may be convenient

O for a distanced walk with God

Not so near my God to thee

Forty days and forty nights thou shalt quarantine thyself

Abide not with me

Art thou weary art thou languid? Watch it these are symptomatic

Awake my soul and with the sun: do thou forgo thy daily run

Bread of heaven on thee we are no longer allowed to feed

Brothers joining hand in hand: you’re risking a hefty fine

Dearest Jesus, we’re not here

From Greenland’s icy mountain, from India’s coral strand: the virus is afflicting every land

Hands that have been handling: use a sanitiser

Hills of the north are full: of coppers and their drones looking for groups of hikers

Kindly spring again is here: so just make sure you all keep clear

O what our joy and our glory will be: when pals can meet again for tea

Sleepers wake: go thou into the park while there’s no one around

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20 Comments on Certain amendments to the liturgy and hymnody of the Church of England for the duration of the present emergency…

  1. Reverend,
    Not so certain that we can carry nothing out.
    I can only speak for my local Morrisons , known colloquially as Shoplifter Central, where you can play “Spot The Honest Customer” whilst waiting for a till.

  2. Top class trolling here. Either the editor has actually succumbed to the briney/immigrants or he’s actually enjoying these sites. I suspect the latter.

  3. Thank you for making me roar with laughter.

    “And Jesus said unto him, Verily I say unto thee, today shalt thou be two metres away from me in paradise.”

    • Indeed, An-drone, I fondly remember The Economist obituary for the clown priest a few years ago. The one pictured, not Reverend Mullen. Very popular in the western hemisphere as the acme of Ang-Wiccanism.

  4. How about revising Genesis Peter? It all could have been different of Adam and Eve had stood their ground. You know what they say about an apple a day.