At Morning and Evening Prayer
Dearly beloved, we are not gathered together…
Stay away from me all ye that have a dry cough and a temperature
Where two or three are gathered together in my name, that’s far too many
He hath filled the hungry with good things: but he hath run out of tins of tomatoes
O God make clean our hands all the day long: and at least twice in the night season
We brought nothing into this supermarket: and it is certain we can carry nothing out
Then drew nigh unto him all the publicans and sinners: and behold, straightway they were arrested
In the midst of life, we are in death (At the discretion of the Minister these words may be omitted)
Blessed is he that walketh in the ways of the Lord: but not for more than an hour each day
Thou shalt not commit adultery: For verily, thou shalt keep two metres apart
Thou shalt not steal thy neighbour’s loo rolls
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s eggs: for thou can’st not get these for love nor money
The following hymns may be convenient
O for a distanced walk with God
Not so near my God to thee
Forty days and forty nights thou shalt quarantine thyself
Abide not with me
Art thou weary art thou languid? Watch it these are symptomatic
Awake my soul and with the sun: do thou forgo thy daily run
Bread of heaven on thee we are no longer allowed to feed
Brothers joining hand in hand: you’re risking a hefty fine
Dearest Jesus, we’re not here
From Greenland’s icy mountain, from India’s coral strand: the virus is afflicting every land
Hands that have been handling: use a sanitiser
Hills of the north are full: of coppers and their drones looking for groups of hikers
Kindly spring again is here: so just make sure you all keep clear
O what our joy and our glory will be: when pals can meet again for tea
Sleepers wake: go thou into the park while there’s no one around
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Reverend,
Not so certain that we can carry nothing out.
I can only speak for my local Morrisons , known colloquially as Shoplifter Central, where you can play “Spot The Honest Customer” whilst waiting for a till.
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Thank you for making me roar with laughter.
“And Jesus said unto him, Verily I say unto thee, today shalt thou be two metres away from me in paradise.”
You made me LOL! Wish I’d said it first, as does our Reverend.
…and I intend to be shameless in using it 🙂
johnhenry:
We can all have a laugh, but doesn’t it seem strange to you that there isn’t a single Christian priest in the UK who has risked a £30 fine in order to save one of his parishioner’s souls from eternal damnation?
Excellent.
Indeed, An-drone, I fondly remember The Economist obituary for the clown priest a few years ago. The one pictured, not Reverend Mullen. Very popular in the western hemisphere as the acme of Ang-Wiccanism.
How about revising Genesis Peter? It all could have been different of Adam and Eve had stood their ground. You know what they say about an apple a day.