New University Term.Workshop of Knowledge and Education (WOKE)

Min Ed Circular 666/2020 On 1st September 2020 the Central Universities Board (CUB) is to be replaced by the fore-mentioned institution. WOKE is an exciting new venture in the framing of an enlightened and progressive curriculum for all UK universities. To avoid any possible confusion, the names of the subjects to be taught will remain as they were when this matter was under the control of CUB, only the content of the syllabus has been amended in line with the ongoing process of “moving on” from the reactionary and chauvinistic structures which have damaged and deformed UK higher education for decades. What follows are just a few specimen examples taken from the revised curriculum:

English Literature: “Twelfth Night” as a foundation document of transgender equality; The queerness of King Lear; Shakespeare’s first name revealed as Wilhelmina. The racist drama “Othello” to be banned. The so-called witches in “Macbeth” understood as pioneers of women’s liberation; course work: The exploitation of black bodies by James Baldwin, Toni Morrison, Ntozake Shange and others

English Language: The abolition of all sexist language: he and she to be replaced by they; his and hers by their. This adjustment to be marked by a ceremonial burning of all the textbooks of grammar to be re-enacted at the beginning of every term; Estuary English; Multiracial Non-standard Speech Innit.

Poetry: For the academic year 2020-2021, only the following poem-manifesto to be learned and recited at the beginning of all lectures and tutorials:

If you can stay in bed when all around have been up hours,

Vote Green and march to save the planet

But can’t switch off a light or shut a bloody door against the draught;

If you don’t go ten minutes without a sugar snack and fizzy drink,

And turn vegan ‘cos you can’t stand cruelty to eggs,

Give up breakfast cornflakes for you can’t be arsed to wash a bowl;

Eat burgers and thrill-seeking mashups all day long,

From personalised plates;

Still operate your I-Phone while wiping your bum

And take 2000 selfies in a week;

If you are into Me First and body image

Wear lingerie as apparel:

Nude bodysuits, overly-distressed denim, graphic T-shirt profanity Califuk

And gawp out from behind oversized round opticals;

If not a square inch of your whitewashed frame is undefaced by bilious tattoos

Nor any protrusion left unpierced, un-ringed

If you stream Bebe Rexha, Ariana Grande, Calvin Harris, Jonas Blue and Zane

And call these music;

If you can tell your quinoa from your acai and your poke

Retreat to your safe space where no one can offend you,

Enjoy the degree course as your Personal Development Journey

Studying Equestrian Psychology or Ethical Hacking

Receive counselling when you heard someone ate calves’ liver;

Make of your life a Perpetual Infantilisation,

Then you’ll be a snowflake my dearie. 

History: Slavery; the cultural significance of Princess Diana and Madonna evaluated and compared; warfare ancient and modern will no longer be studied – because wars are not nice; special text “The Tragedy of being British”; “The Appalling Nastiness of Conservatives”; “How Karl Marx and Joseph Stalin Saved the world”; “The Little Flowers of Chairman Mao” and “The Kindness of Pol Pot.” Fieldwork with this course will involve – apart from regular book-burnings – the pulling down of all those statues which commemorate slave-owners racists and fascists such as Winston Churchill and Richard Dimbleby; Set text: “Arson, Rioting, Theft and Drug-running for Beginners: How People of Colour have been Misrepresented.”

Music: Rap and Reggae; all national anthems destroyed; “Cosi fan Tutte,” “Lucia di Lammermoor” and all other productions offensive to women discontinued; jingoistic songs such as “Rule Britannia” and “Land of Hope and Glory” to be banned and replaced by “We Shall Overcome” and “The Times They are a’ Changing”; the enduring problem of the over-representation of white notes on the piano

Maritime Studies; The set text for the next five years to be “A History of Same-sex Marriage on Icelandic Trawlers”

Geography: A close Study of the landmark text “How Farting Cows are destroying the Planet.”

 Harry Potter Studies with Hairdressing: The theology of Hogwarts. Regrettably, the hairdressing component suspended for the duration of the COVID-19 emergency.

Health and Wellbeing: The Oscar-winning texts, “How to Esteem Myself More and More and More Forever”; “Advanced Narcissism” and “Towards a Vegan Sentimentality.”

NB: All the leisure activities which go to make life at university a full and enjoyable experience will continue, with adjustments. Fornication will remain compulsory but social-distancing will be enforced at all times. (The equipment to facilitate this is being imported from China); Protective masks must be worn at all times – with a hole cut in each to ensure compatibility with the customary illegal drug use.

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3 Comments on New University Term.Workshop of Knowledge and Education (WOKE)

  1. Woke indeed! A curious word to use in describing the incredibly poor value for money that both student and we taxpayers receive for our supposed ‘investment’ in the intellectual capital, (or is it overhead?) in the cultural and scientific educational base of the UK’s future.
    That investment is currently summarised as follows:
    “Student loans are the main method of direct government support for higher education students. More than £17 billion is loaned to students each year. The value of outstanding loans at the end of March 2019 reached £121 billion. The Government forecasts the value of outstanding loans to be around £450 billion (2018‑19 prices) by the middle of this century. The expansion of loans has raised questions about graduate repayments and ultimately the cost of the system to the taxpayer”.
    One feels on reviewing the Commons report summary that the estimate of even one third of the debt being repaid is omltimistic. Here is a slow burning Ponzi scheme that has the ability to destroy the country’s finances even before its moronic output seizes control of the levers of power. As St Augustine might well have said to the satanic Blair:
    “God send me a forensic accountant.
    But don’t send him yet”.

  2. Very funny, and brilliantly so.


    Remember “Trust But Verify”?

    Required now, to Save Our Souls:

    “Laugh But Fight.”

  3. University

    Don’t go to university, they’ll only teach you crap
    Degrees in female studies or the history of rap

    All the universities are rotten to the core
    They’re not the place for learning any more

    Newton and Einstein aren’t alive to see
    The hollow joke, deluded folk in university

    If you thirst for knowledge try the world outside
    Where corrupt professors have no place to hide

    It’s all about the money that they take from you
    While all the time feeding you a political point of view